2004-06-01 - 10:08 p.m.

"When did you…" he stammered.

"I don't know, I just figured it out while we were talking. I mean, I really couldn't see you, and I didn't know you were staying at this hotel, and it's not like I was expecting to run into you up here…"

Clay turned away from her as she spoke, feeling uneasy all of a sudden. "So you knew. We're talking all this time, and you knew who I was and you didn't tell me?"

"Tell you? Tell you what?"

He crossed his arms. He noticed his face was beginning to feel hot. Why would she…how could she do this to me? Why would she lie?

He looked back at her over his shoulder and said, "I just think you should have said something, that's all."

"Said what?" She could tell by his tone and his closed-off body language that he was angry, and that was unacceptable. "What was I supposed to say? 'Hey, aren't you Clay Aiken? Aren't you the guy whose album I listened to every day for a month? Aren't you the guy I saw in concert a couple of times last year?' Is that what you want? A bunch of ooh, aren't you famous crap?"

Clay walked back over to the wall at the edge of the building and leaned against it, looking down at his hands as he nervously fumbled with nothing.

She followed him. "I was standing up here enjoying the view when a nice guy and a dog came out of nowhere and we started talking. I was bitching, you were bitching, we were letting off steam and laughing about it. I was having a great time talking to you, and I was under the impression that you were having a good time, too. Who gives a crap who you are?" He turned to face her, surprised. "You've been saying all night that people don't treat you like you're 'normal' anymore. You want to just be treated like a normal guy? Well, that's exactly what I was doing!"

"Hey, listen, I'm…"

"I don't see how I did anything wrong here. You didn't tell me who you were, you know. You didn't say your name. But I figured it out. You do happen to be famous, you know. Excuse the hell out of me for recognizing your voice. Excuse me for being a fan of yours. And I guess you're just gonna have to excuse me for not screaming and crying and grabbing at you and asking for an autograph. But I'm just a girl talkin' to a guy in the dark. I didn't think I was supposed to be anything else."

Clay stepped towards her. "Hold on, now…I'm…"

"I mean, what the hell did you…?"

"Will you shut up for a second?" He grabbed her arm. "I'm trying to apologize here!"

He felt horrible. He couldn't figure out why he reacted the way he did. She was right, he did want to be treated like a normal person, and that was all she was doing. And now she was treating him like a normal person so much that she was pissed off at him for acting like a jackass. He loosened his grip on her arm and ran his hand down to take hers, leaning in to get her to look at him.

"I'm…I'm so sorry. I really am. I'm a total jerk."

She looked down at their entwined hands. "Yeah, you kind of are, you know. Big, tall, goofy jerk." She smiled to herself.

He started to let out a small giggle, then choked it back, squeezing her hand tighter. "Stop that, I'm being serious!" He put his other hand on her shoulder and turned her to face him. "You've been really great tonight. I think you're great. You know, just…amazing. I'm not sure why I acted like that. It was really stupid of me. But I promise it wasn't some don't you know who I am?? thing. I'm not like that."

"I know you're not."

"I just thought that, for once, I was meeting someone who, you know, had no idea who I was. Like before all…all of this happened. It's been really frustrating. I finally get to a point in my life where I'm getting out on my own and meeting people and women are all interested and stuff…"

"Oh right, like women weren't interested before…"

He playfully put his hand over her mouth. "Can't you shut up for one minute?"

She rolled her eyes. "Fine," she said, muffled by his hand. Remembering a trick her little sister used to use on her, she stuck her tongue out and licked his palm to make him jerk his hand away.

"Eww! Stop it!" He wiped his hand on her sleeve. "You're really weird, you know that?" But in a good way. "Okay, there were some who were interested, but, come on, not like now! But all these women come with these…preconceived notions, you know? They've all got me figured out before I even meet them. They don't know me, not really, but they expect a lot. It's not like that when you're a normal guy. I've never had any girl who I didn't have to…" He couldn't find the words.

"Warm up first?"

Clay threw his head back and laughed. "All right, you've got me there. But you know what I mean, right?"

"Sure I do. I'm all about the warm-up. I'm a normal person, remember?"

"Nah, you're too weird to be normal. Anyway, it's just been, like, this fantasy of mine to meet someone who didn't know me already, 'cause I just can't live up to what people expect me to be, and I'm always afraid I'm going to end up disappointing them when they find out what I'm really like."

"Yeah, a big jerk," she said, goosing him in the stomach.

"Exactly." He smiled at her, and slid his other hand down her arm, bringing both of her hands together in front of him. "So I guess I was kind of hoping you were going to be that person."

"That person? You mean the one person on the planet who doesn't know who you are?" Her mind was going in a million directions. That person…that person. She tried not to read anything into that. "Can I tell you something?"

Clay took a deep breath and shifted their hands, so that they were by her sides, but he didn't let go.

"I know who you are. I know stuff about you, I'll admit that. I may or may not be one of those people who have, like, three gigs of pictures of you on her computer."

"Three gigs? You're not serious."

"Look, I don't know if it's three gigs, I've never looked. But I've downloaded my share of pictures of you, okay? And, by the way, it's your turn to shut up now." He closed his eyes and smiled. "I'm a fan, all right? And I probably have some ideas about you that I've kinda made up to amuse myself…okay, that sounded weird, but you know what I mean. But tonight…" She laced her fingers with his. "Tonight I met this great guy. He's really funny and smart and sweet and he smells good and he has this doggie who's so cute I might just have to put her in my pocket and take her home. I needed to vent about my day and I didn't even realize how much I needed it, and then he came up here and just let me. The fact that the guy I met happens to be someone famous isn't important. I mean, it's cool, I'm not gonna deny that, but tonight was great either way. Well, until you started getting all jerky on me."

She paused for a moment and listened to the that person still ringing through her mind. She dropped his hands and stepped away from him a little, turning her back self-consciously. She couldn't deny being attracted to him, she'd been attracted to him for over a year. But she didn't want to let herself think for a second that he was attracted to her. That person. He didn't mean it like that. She took a deep breath and exhaled with an audible sigh.

"So, are we okay?" Clay stepped towards her, lightly touching her back. "You're not…leaving or anything are you? 'Cause I don't…um, I don't want to be done talking to you yet. Please." He assumed that she had turned away from him because she was still angry. He was kicking himself inside, thinking he'd screwed up something that could turn out to really be something. And even though it was only a matter of seconds before she turned and slipped her arms around his waist, each of those seconds was excruciating for him, not knowing. He felt so vulnerable, so unsure…but her embrace calmed his fears.

They held each other for a little while, just standing silently together, her arms cozily inside his suede coat, until they were interrupted by Raleigh's quiet whimper. Clay went over to unhook her lead, and suggested that they walk back and forth with her along the roof. As they walked, he occasionally placed his hand on her back, her shoulder, her arm…any way he could touch her. He was drawn to her, not only because he enjoyed her personality, but she was clearly a woman of honesty, someone who was strong enough to tell him when he was being an idiot but still respected him enough to care about his problems. And for all her fire and wit, she was gentle and kind…and Raleigh obviously liked her, and that was some kind of sign, wasn't it?

"So you didn't tell me which book it was…the one you got for your brother. Brett, I'm guessing?"

Okay, she knows my brother's name. She probably knows about everyone in my family. Just get used to it. "Yeah, it's Brett's birthday that's coming up. I don't know if you'd know the book or not, I always kinda felt like it was a book that was just mine, you know? As if nobody else had it. It was this book about…oh God, this is going to sound stupid…it's about these two caterpillars, and…"

"Oh my God," she burst out, excited.

"What?"

"No, go ahead." Why are you interrupting him? she thought. You love listening to him talk.

"Okay, this caterpillar wants more out of life, so he starts climbing this pile of caterpillars, and…"

"Shut up!!" She punched him in the arm. "The caterpillar pillar?"

He felt his stomach jump. How could she know that? "You know that book?"

"Hope for the Flowers? Oh my God, I have that book, too! Yellow and Stripe!"

"Oh wow, I can't believe this…it's almost as if…" Almost as if we were meant to find each other tonight. Almost as if I had to go through this horrible day so that I'd feel frustrated enough to end up on the roof of this hotel, because you were here. Almost as if that book was in the shop window just so that I could get it, not just for Brett, but so I could realize that you were…

"As if what?"

Clay shook himself out of his daydream. "Oh, nothing, I'm just kind of amazed that you're familiar with it. It's a terrific book, isn't it?"

"It's more than a terrific book. It's total genius! The writing, the illustrations, the way she just lays it out for you and makes you think about what potential you have that you didn't even realize…" She grabbed his hand and squeezed it. "You know, I should probably read it again soon. Lately, I've been feeling like there's something else I should be doing. Not necessarily a whole life change, but I feel like maybe I'm missing something that's right in front of me, something that inspires me to do…something. Uh, I mean, besides you." She giggled and swung their arms playfully.

"You're not inspired these days? Is it your job?"

"Oh no, my job is fine. I mean, the parts about it that I like are great…but every job has the parts that suck, right? I just spend so much time worrying about work, and working so much…sometimes it feels like I don't have much else going on. I get my little escapes, and they're fun, but I need something fun and fulfilling that's…tangible, you know? Something real." She gently stroked the back of his hand with her thumb, feeling the veins and tendons there. What is it about a man's hand that's so sexy? This hand in particular…how can something be so strong and powerful, but soft and gentle? And how can I be walking with him, holding his hand like this? "So…what gets you going?"

"I'm sorry…what?" Clay was hypnotized by the feeling of her touch on his hand. "What gets me going?"

"Or what keeps you going, I guess I should say." Whoops…

He looked away from her for a moment, half blushing and half with a naughty twinkle in his eye. "Uh, yeah, not exactly the same thing, is it? I think it's the fans, in the end, that keep me going. Just knowing that so many people appreciate what I do."

"What you do…who you are…what you represent…" she said, spelling it out for him. "How you fill out a pair of jeans…"

"Now, you just stop it!" he responded, feigning outrage.

"Trust me, they appreciate that. A lot." And I most certainly am not immune to it!

"I guess they do. I don't know. I mean, it would explain a lot…the way some of them…" His tone was suddenly more serious, and his hand went limp in hers for a moment. She knew something was wrong, and wrapped her arm around his to let him know she was listening. "I know most people see me as more than…you know, an object…"

"You mean like a sex symbol?"

He sighed. "Oh, Lord...yeah. But sometimes there are people who just get so wrapped up in…whatever it is they think of when they see me…I think they forget that I'm a person. Like tonight…"

"Those women downstairs? The psycho convention in the lobby?"

"Now, they aren't all like that. They're really very nice people. It's just that sometimes they get a little carried away, that's all. And tonight, I was just…I was not in the mood. I didn't feel like being nice, you know? Apart from getting that book for Brett, my day had just seriously…"

"Sucked?" She smiled to herself. Does he say stuff like "sucked"?

"Yeah, it really sucked. And I was bracing myself for it, but all I could think was how I just wanted to go to my room, play with Raleigh, get something to eat, and go to sleep. I didn't want to spend an hour surrounded by people, I didn't want to spend ten minutes! I just wanted to have some quiet. We got out of the car, and I just tensed up. I get a little tense sometimes when I see a crowd like that, but tonight it was different. I didn't want to play the game, you know?" He stopped against the wall, and squatted down, leaning against it for support. Raleigh jumped immediately into his lap and he hugged her close. "So, I was kinda faking it at first, hoping that I'd change my mind once I got in there, but that didn't exactly work out. I was just…hey, tell me something…"

"What?" She stood against the wall, letting her fingers drop flirtatiously into his hair.

"If you were one of those women, like you were somewhere waiting to see me," he asked, "and I came in looking exhausted and ticked off and not happy at all, and I kept moving, hardly stopping to talk to anyone…well, what would you think?"

"I'd think I wouldn't want to bother you. I mean, I wouldn't want to bother you anyway, 'cause I just don't do that. But I'm thinking in a situation like that, meeting you is more about you than it is about me…" She dropped down next to him, scratching Raleigh behind the ear. "If you looked like you were tired or not feeling well, there's no way I would get in your way. I couldn't stand myself if I thought I'd bothered you."

"You wouldn't think I was…I mean, was it rude of me to not want to stop to talk to anyone?" He turned and leaned towards her a little, letting Raleigh wander into her lap. Oh great, even my dog is rejecting me.

"Rude? You think you were rude? What happened down there?"

He crossed his arms, hugging himself, and his head dropped. "When I first got in there, I was kinda on auto-pilot and signed some stuff as I walked, but there were all these people with cameras and stuff and I really didn't want my picture taken tonight…and then I just stopped signing and kept walking towards the elevator. It's just that people kept calling to me and I sort of felt myself acting like I didn't hear them, like it wasn't even me but I was watching myself just sail through that lobby…and then that one girl…" He shook his head.

She sat Raleigh back down and turned to Clay, resting her hand on his thigh. "Tell me."

"I had gotten to the elevator, and I felt surrounded, like I was up against a wall. Well, I guess I sort of was up against a wall. And I heard the 'ding' and I said something like 'Okay, I've got to go, thanks for coming out, everyone,' and the doors opened and we got in the elevator…"

"You and…your bodyguard?"

"Yeah, but then this…okay, she was probably in high school, and maybe she just didn't know better, but she just ran into the elevator with us! We'd already hit the button to close the doors and she just jumped in. I totally freaked out, and I probably shouldn't have…"

"She jumped in with you? Oh my God, I can't imagine that! How could she do that?"

"He hit the button to open the doors again, because we weren't about to let them close…and I think I kinda pressed myself back into the corner, then I said something like 'What do you think you're doing?' and it must have scared her, because when the doors opened, she kinda froze…she just didn't move, and he sorta pushed her out. As the doors were closing, I could see she was crying, like really crying, and not a happy kind of crying. I felt just terrible."

"I'm sure you did, but you know she was really out of line." She patted his thigh. "She should have known better."

"But maybe she didn't. Maybe she was just caught up in the…whatever it is they're feeling down there. Maybe she…"

"Maybe she's a little self-centered and it didn't occur to her that you were done for the evening and it was time for her to go home?" Clay looked up at her, then down at her hand on his thigh. He didn't seem to like that answer. "Okay, sorry, I'm a bit of a hard-ass. But some people just don't know how to act."

"But how can I determine that? I mean, I've got a split-second to figure out if somebody is crazy or if they're just excited. I'm usually so busy being friendly and talking to people that I wouldn't notice someone creepy sneaking up on me…and in retrospect, she was just a kid, and I really hurt her feelings. But I was exhausted and not thinking clearly, and she was…"

"She didn't notice you were tired. Or she didn't care. Either way, she had no right. The next time she meets somebody famous, she'll behave herself." She took his hand. "I know you feel bad, but you can't beat yourself up over it."

"You didn't see her face. You didn't see her crying." He stood up, pulling her up to stand beside him. "That's her memory of me. All of them down there. They saw it happen. They must think I'm awful."

She slid her arm around his waist and brought their joined hands over her heart. "Stop it. Nobody thinks you're awful. If they did for a second, they got over it. Anyone who would come away from that moment with a whole new opinion of you, thinking you're some pompous jerk who makes little girls cry on purpose, after everything they know about you…everything they love about you…" She paused, letting her ears focus on a sound she'd been hearing all night, a sound coming from the street in front of the hotel. "Come here, look at this."

She walked to the front of the building, motioning for him to follow her. Raleigh had found something to sniff at, so Clay lagged behind, but he watched her silhouette intently as she strode away, and then crossed into the red glow of the sign at the front of the roof. There she is. Wow. Look at her. Oh my God, look at her. He silently thanked God for form-fitting clothing, then immediately felt guilty about it, but never took his eyes off of her.

She turned and called back to him as he started to catch up with her. "Can't you hear them? They're still down there! They love you! Look!" She was too short to see over the edge of the wall, so she jumped up on it a little, resting her stomach on it, looking down at the what had to be twenty or so women in the street…and then the world began to spin.

Just as he arrived behind her with Raleigh in tow, she pushed herself backward off the wall and dropped to her knees, and she appeared to be hyperventilating. Something about seeing just how high they were at that moment, combined with being a little off-balance as she leaned across the wall, triggered a panic attack. She curled up and began to cry, her tears a result more of embarrassment than anything else. Stop it. Just stop it. It's too high…you could have fallen. Ridiculous. Let it go. He'll see you. Don't let him see you like this. Deep breath. You're being crazy. Get up. Oh my God, he's coming over here, don't let him see you like this. Just stop it. She wanted desperately to relax, to stop shaking, but her nervous system had its own agenda.

Clay dropped the leash and rushed to her. He wasn't sure exactly what to do for her, if anything he did could help, but he held her in his arms and spoke quietly to her. He could feel her shaking, the raggedness of her breath, and he noticed her tears wetting his shirt. "Shhh…" he said, stroking her hair, "you're going to be fine. I'm here." She began to relax, but was frustrated by the thought that she was in his arms, and she couldn't simply melt into them, which she wanted to do so badly.

It took a little while to get her to her feet, but he held her and whispered to her in the meantime, calming her enough to help her stand. Once he had her standing, he tried to get her to put her attention on him, but she kept her head down, with her arms crossed over her chest, fists beneath her chin. On top of everything else she had just been through, she was humiliated. She didn't want this to be a part of what he remembered of her.

Clay wanted her to focus, to get her mind on something besides her anxiety. He slid his hands down her arms, stopping at her elbows, and, in a gentle but commanding tone, he spoke to her.

"Look at me."

She wanted to. There was nothing in the world she wanted more at that moment than to look up into his eyes, to really see him there in the light of that sign. She opened her eyes and raised them high enough to see his chest and stomach, but she was too nervous to look any higher.

"Look at me." Her heart was pounding, her pulse so strong he could feel it in her elbows, but he sensed her starting to relax. He repeated himself, this time more gently. "Look at me, honey." Please look at me.

She lifted her head, and their eyes met. He saw the remnants of tears on her cheeks just below her luminous eyes. He wished he could see what color they were, because the red light made them look abnormally dark, but even so, he could see they were beautiful. She was beautiful. Radiant. It could have simply been the strange lighting, but as far as he was concerned, she was glowing. He figured he'd seen just about every side of her already…strength, frailty, sweetness, love…or he thought it was love. It felt like love. But now, seeing her face, gazing up at him as she was, he was starting to become overwhelmed by his own feelings.

"You…" She wanted to thank him, to tell him how wonderful he was, to tell him everything she was feeling, but she couldn't. Standing so close to him, looking into those eyes as she had so often imagined, there were no words. At first, his gaze was almost too intense to hold, but it softened as they looked at each other, just as his grip on her arms did. She noticed a slight smile beginning to dance across his lips, and she became nervous again. No, I'm just imagining that. He can't be looking at me this way, he just can't. He was just trying to calm me down, nothing more. She felt her cheeks flush and she looked down again.

His right hand left her elbow, his fingers tracing a line up her forearm to her hands, which were still balled against her chest. He spread his hand over hers, caressing her fists until they relaxed. Then he crooked his finger and slid it underneath her chin.

"Look at me."

He lifted her face to his, and she could no longer doubt what she was seeing in his eyes. He drew his tongue a short distance along his upper lip and leaned in closer, letting his mouth fall open just slightly as it connected with hers. Their lips brushed together gently as she dropped her hands forward to rest them on his chest, then slid them down to either side of his waist. She pulled him closer, and he responded by slipping a hand behind her neck, coiling his fingers into her hair. He tugged gently downward, tipping her head back farther, and he allowed his kiss to become hungrier.

I can't believe this. It's so perfect. She was fascinated by the feel of his lips, the softness of them. His kiss was so incredible it felt like they were moving in slow motion. The way he'd kiss her upper lip, then the lower, applying the gentlest of suction, pulling away slowly, almost teasingly, to reposition before coming in for another. A few times she thought she felt the tip of his tongue, but it would retreat, as if he weren't sure if he should use it. Does he think I don't want it? Maybe this will show him. She slowly but deliberately introduced her tongue into his mouth, first touching his lower lip, then sliding it along his front teeth. He reciprocated, tipping his head far to the side and devouring her, caressing her tongue with his own.

His heart was racing. It had been such a long time since a kiss had felt so right. Oh God, she's just wonderful. I'm so lucky to have found her. Meeting her had turned one of the worst days he'd had in over a year into one of the best nights he could remember. Even though they were still together in each other's arms, he was finding himself already anticipating their next meeting. Maybe if she's not busy tomorrow, she can come along to that interview, and then we could have dinner…wait, if people see her, they'll ask questions…she's not ready for that…I'll just tell people she's a new stylist or something. That's it…'oh this is my stylist…' Wait…what's her name? She never told me her name! I guess we never did introduce ourselves…but how can I be kissing someone whose name I don't even know? I moved it too fast. Damn it. I took advantage of her…she was vulnerable and feeling bad, and I just took advantage. I've got to stop. It's gonna kill me, but I have to stop.

"Wait…" Clay stood up straight again, his lips out of her reach. "Wait just a second."

She sighed, reached up and brushed her hand down the side of his face, and smiled up at him. "What is it, baby?" she whispered.

He took her hand and nervously moved it away. "Um, we have to…stop for a minute. I can't…um…we can't do this." Stupid conscience.

She let go of him and took a step back. She could feel tears beginning to well in her eyes. "Did I…do something wrong?"

"No! Oh, no, no, you didn't….I did. It was me." He reached towards her to take her hand again. Don't screw this up!

"What did you do?"

Keep it together. Say it right. "I shouldn't have…um…I think I may have taken advantage…a little…"

"Of me?? Why would you think that?"

He was finding it difficult to look her in the eye as he explained himself. He was afraid he'd abandon this feeling, something he knew in his heart was the right thing to do, and just take her in his arms and kiss her again. He might have wanted to kiss her forever, but he couldn't let a relationship start the wrong way.

"I moved too fast. The timing was just…it was too soon. And you had just been…well, you know, you were…um…" Oh my God, stop stammering, you're coming off like an idiot. "I don't know you well enough. I want to, I really want to know you better, and I want to take the time to…I mean, I don't even know your name."

"If I tell you my name, will you stop feeling so guilty?" Oh, good…he's smiling. That's something, at least. "Look, I see your point about us not knowing each other very long, but are you serious? Are you really thinking that kissing me was wrong?" Hold on…be careful, you don't want him to think you're a slut or anything. Just because you've kissed guys you didn't know doesn't mean…

"But I took advantage of a situation…I think I took advantage of you." He was a little surprised she was taking this so well.

"You took advantage of me? Doesn't that kind of imply that I was a victim of something? That I wasn't taking part in it…like it was just happening to me? I mean, whose hands were in your back pockets a minute ago?"

He smiled, and looked down at his feet. "Yours."

"Do you think I was trying to steal your wallet?" He laughed and shook his head, embarrassed. "No. I wasn't. Would someone you were taking advantage of grab your ass like that?" He put his hands over his face, still laughing. "So, will you stop feeling so guilty already?"

"Okay, okay…I wasn't taking advantage of you. But I still think I went for it a bit fast, you know? I mean, how long have we been up here? An hour? Two? I don't even remember what time I got back to my room tonight." Clay looked at his watch. Ten-thirty…and I still haven't eaten anything! "That's just not how I think it should go…I mean, I don't just kiss someone because I'm attracted to her. That's not how I am. There needs to be more than that."

"There isn't more than that?"

"Of course there is. I think we…" He moved closer to her, putting his hands on her shoulders, stroking them with his thumbs. "I think we have something here. I mean, I hope we do. I don't want to let you go…I want to find out everything about you. I want…"

He said more, but she couldn't hear him over the thoughts running frantically through her mind. He wants a relationship. I should have known better…he's not going to start making out with some woman he's not really interested in. I have to tell him. Oh my God, this could be the end of it. But I have to tell him. It's only fair. "Hold on a second," she interrupted. "I'm sorry, but I really have to tell you something."

Clay smiled broadly at her. "Your name?"

"Um…no. I mean…no, you know what? I don't need to tell you my name, and here's why." She steeled herself, hoping she could get through it without crying. "This isn't going to work out."

He looked inquisitively at her. "Are you breaking up with me? Because if you are…" he chuckled to himself, until he noticed the serious expression in her eyes. "What's the matter?"

"Look…I know me much better than you do. And I know you…some. I mean, I know enough about you to know that…" She couldn't stop a tear from running down her cheek. "We're not going to end up together. And I don't think you want to be wasting your time with someone you can't have a serious relationship with." She turned away from him, wiping her eyes. "I know, it's one of those preconceived notions, but I'm right about this. It kills me, but I'm right. This isn't up for debate. You and I…we're not compatible."

"You don't think we're compatible? I think we'd be great together! What about…"

She turned back to face him. "Listen to me. I don't want to go into all the reasons why…just believe me when I say that there are things about me that you…that you don't want. That you shouldn't have in a relationship. I'm not right for you."

Clay was somewhere between confused and angry. "Don't I get to decide who's right for me? You need to give me a chance here…I want to spend time with you. I want to get to know you. I want to…I want to kiss you again. I want…well, I want more than that, too."

She covered her face, embarrassed by her tears. "Why would I lie about this? Do you think for one second that I would give up the chance to…look, I adore you. I absolutely adore you. And I care so much about you that…I want you to be with the right girl. But she's not me. And this isn't some self-esteem crap I'm talking about here…this is real, concrete stuff. Fundamental things about you and your life that are important, and I can't be a part of it. I want to be with you. I want to hold you and love you and…if I could, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I can't let you get involved with me, thinking that this is something that could really last…sooner or later, you would figure out that I'm not the right one for you, and we'd split up, and…and I'd rather do that now than after I've…after I've fallen in love with you."

He went over to her and wrapped his long arms around her. She didn't hug him back. She was too upset. He held her until she stopped crying, thinking hard about what she'd said. It's pretty weird, having her size up the whole relationship before it's even started. I guess she might know enough about me to know she's not the one. I've been pretty honest when people ask me what I'm looking for. But I don't see it in her…I wonder what it is? Maybe she's wrong. Maybe she misunderstood something I said. What if it's something that's not as important as she thinks it is? And then we can be together and everything will be fine…unless it really is something big. This is just too weird. How can I be with someone who knows this much about me before I've ever met her? If I was still just a teacher, I'd never be having a conversation like this…but maybe the longer I wait to find someone, the harder that's gonna be…I'm getting pretty famous now…maybe soon I won't be able to find anyone who doesn't know me at least a little…oh listen to me, Mr. Conceited. But what if it's true? Maybe this is a good thing…at least she's honest and cares about me…two things I really want in a woman. How can it be a good thing when it means I could lose her? Oh Lord…I didn't realize it would ever be this hard to be me.

"So now what?" he asked her, stroking her hair.

She lifted her head from his chest and looked off into the night. "I don't know."

"Well, I know one thing for sure." He leaned down to make her look at him. "You don't get to make this decision for me." Her eyes widened with surprise. "Now, you've stated your position…admirably, I might add…and I'm…uh, taking it under advisement. But I think that I will make the decision for myself. Only I'm not making it right now because I'm really hungry. Have you eaten?" She was speechless, but managed to shake her head in response. "Well, I was thinking that I need to go down to my room and order up a little room service, because I haven't eaten all day except some snacky crap at that meeting. And, since I don't like to eat alone, maybe you'd like to join me?" She couldn't help but smile up at him. "There's my smile. Is that a yes?"

"It's a yes." She hugged him around the waist. "But you know, we really can't…"

Clay put his hand over her mouth. "Shh…I don't want to…don't you lick me!…I don't want to hear another word about that right now. We're going to have dinner and talk some more. No more negative talk, okay?"

She nodded, and he took his hand away and bent down to kiss her on the cheek. She looked around. "Where's Raleigh?"

Clay stepped back and turned around frantically. "Aw crap…Raleigh!" With her lead dragging behind her and her tags jingling in the dark, Raleigh trotted over to them. "There you are, silly girl…what have you been doing? I hope you didn’t find anything weird to eat up here, 'cause I don’t want to deal with that later! Especially while we're having dinner!" He settled Raleigh into the crook of his arm, then stuck his other elbow out. "Shall we?"

She slipped her hand around his arm and they walked together to the roof access door, reminding Clay they'd need to call Max to let him know they were going back to their rooms.

"Oh, yeah…Max. You know, he led me to believe that I was going to be alone up here."

She dropped her hand to take hold of his. "Yeah, me too."

"Remind me to thank him," he said, squeezing her hand. "Best surprise I've ever had…on the roof of a hotel, anyway." He opened the access door and indicated for her to go through ahead of him.

"Thanks. So…big fan of surprises, are you?" she giggled. "Maybe I'll have to arrange for another one. Are you sure you don't like me licking you?"

Clay gasped dramatically as he let go of the door, laughing. "Well, there's a complete attitude turnaround I wasn't expecting! Naughty girl. Maybe we should start over…nice to meet you, my name's Clay. And you are…?" The door shut behind him.

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